The Female Orgasm
I may be a world renowned expert in women's pleasure, sending my love and advice to more than 400,000 trusting subscribers each day, but things weren't always this way. For a very long time, I didn't understand my own orgasms. The more often I faked them, the less my
husband understood my orgasms too, and so we both became increasingly more angry and frustrated every time we tried to enjoy some intimate time together.
This is an easy trap to fall into for couples who aren't sure where to begin. The field of sexology is so vast that I have written hundreds of books and articles about its intricacies, and still have so much more to give! If you are searching desperately for the path to orgasm, or if you are simply looking for a few good shortcuts, it's time to take the advice of someone who has walked in your shoes and come out of the woods again, triumphant.
All Or Nothing
When it comes to defining sex, most couples have a narrow idea of what kind of behavior the word implies. What does sex mean for you and your wife?
Most studies cited in modern sex manuals describe sexual activities as foreplay, oral sex or PIV (penis-in-vagina) penetration and make little to no mention of manual stimulation. Yet when scientists examine personal reports, they see clearly that most women reach orgasm much faster when they are masturbating alone - in an average of two to five minutes, compared to 10-20 minutes with a
The State of the Orgasm
It may be easy to assume that because you have an orgasm most or all of the times you have sex, your wife is having a smashing time as well, but statistics also show that only about 44% of adults are happy with their sex life. While you are more likely to be concerned with frequency - 41% of men are - your wife and I are more concerned with our feelings. Only 29% of women want more sex, which means the chances are that your wife is not entirely satisfied with the quality of your sex life, rather than the
How She Comes
And no wonder! The most frequent sex act reported by couples is by far
coitus yet only 6% of women report being able to orgasm from penile stimulation alone. Even with clitoral stimulation or vibration, only 29% of women are able to orgasm every time they have
Your hands may not be the most obvious sex organ, but the science is clear - 34% of women say that masturbating with their hands or rubbing up against something is their preferred way to reach
orgasm. In the heat of the moment, when she is panting from your foreplay and begging for more, your penis isn't necessarily what she means.
Tradition says that variety is the spice of life, but Kinsey's "Sexual Behavior in the Human Female" found that the female orgasm "may not depend on elaborated, varied, and prolonged petting techniques as often as upon brief but uninterrupted pressures and/or continuous rhythmic
stimulation". That's right.... switching to your brand new "swirly whirl" technique just as she's about to come will probably stop her dead in her tracks.
Trying new positions and different stimulation keeps things interesting, but when it comes to making her come, all the tricks in the book can't replace the dexterity and strength required for the consistent movement that will bring her over the edge. She has had decades of practice at this subtle movement. If you don't learn to mimics her own masturbation, she'll be left wanting.
One Way or Another
Do you have a defeatist all-or-nothing attitude when it comes to sex? Do you pass up the chance to get down and dirty for the sake of scheduling, or do you take the time to play when the opportunity arises?
When I used to wake up in the morning and try to cuddle with my husband, he would always push me away. We were so busy that he didn't think we had time for all the hard work he would have to put in to getting an erection and having an orgasm, so he didn't even want to bother touching me.
According to Barbara DeAngelis, PhD. in her book "What Women Want Men to Know", this kind of all-or-nothing pattern is the sworn enemy of seduction. Putting off any kind of sexual contact until you and your wife have time for "all of it", meaning intercourse, is a treacherous
Making love is supposed to be an emotional, shared experience and shouldn't be relegated to goal-oriented time slots when you can run the full routine. Foreplay, intercourse and orgasm are a great combination, but each activity is also enjoyable on its own.
Sometimes my husband and I have time to kiss and fondle, sometimes there's only a few minutes for a rushed quickie, and other days we may have a long, luxurious afternoon to tease and please each other. Don't push away the chance to make your wife feel good because you're worried you won't get off in the process!